Talentless Low-Budget Productions

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Mistakes I Made Last Year

  1. Caught a raccoon with my bare hands, but then realized I had no reason to do such a thing and spent the entire afternoon panicking, afraid to let it go for fear it would attack me.
  2. Tossed said raccoon into my bathroom and slammed the door shut. I had to pee in jars for a whole week until the raccoon expired.
  3. Told a hobo that he could sleep on my couch on the grounds that he ghostwrote at least two of my cooking school reports a month.
  4. Forgot to get rid of expired raccoon, causing the hobo to abandon my humble dwelling for less smelly pastures.
  5. Ate nothing but cheesecake for a whole month, temporarily gained the ability to hear five minutes into the past with my left ear.
  6. Bought a dozen parakeets thinking they would grow big enough to eat. Ran them all down the garbage disposal a week later when they failed to demonstrate sizeable weight gain.
  7. Drove my Tex-Mex cooking instructor to do something she swore she would never do: take a human life.
  8. Spent $10,000 faking my own murder to get out of a Tex-Mex cooking class.
  9. Abandoned a brilliant career as a cook to spend more time building forts in the sandbox.
  10. Abandoned a brilliant career as a sandbox fort maker when children threw hardened chunks of sand at me.
  11. Attempted to build a fort using loaves of bread as bricks at the grocery store. Now I'm no longer welcome in the bread aisle without supervision from a manager.
  12. Mastered falconry in order to become a superior hat thief, become cocky and attempted to steal the hat of the town sheriff. Now my precious falcon is sealed in a police evidence bag.
  13. Traded all my shares in Google for a really nice bandana, spent half a day pretending to be an outlaw.
  14. Started a petting zoo consisting solely of Mexican jumping beans. Failed to chain beans up to prevent them from hopping away in the night.
  15. Wrote the first really great American novel, which concerns the affairs of a small town that is torn asunder when an alien rapes and eats Santa Claus. I accidentally stole the story from an early draft of Harper Lee's To Kill a Mockingbird and had to abandon it altogether.
  16. Sold advertising space on my lower back to GoldenPalace.com.
  17. Got emotionally involved with a coworker, something I swore I would never do. We just couldn't stop talking about large breeds of dogs together.
  18. Took an RV for a test-drive and liked it so much that I decided to go on an impromptu cross-country trip. Ending up getting arrested for vehicle theft somewhere near los andes. Naturally I decided not to buy the RV.
  19. Invented a method to solve the world's food distribution problems but forgot to write it down. I think it involved conveyer belts and the world's longest rubber band.
  20. Disguised myself as a chess piece and then robbed a jewelry store. Was caught when I couldn't run diagonally from authorities.
  21. Spent $5,000 building and staffing my own sweatshop in Nicaragua, then having them make me one really large high top shoe to live in. It ended up collapsing and killing everyone in the factory before it was finished.
  22. Opened a library in my bedroom, but failed to draw interest due to the fact I own less than 20 books, most of which tell you how to 3d model a horse and then how to animate a walk cycle.
  23. Spent New Year's alone in a slime-covered alleyway, drinking cheap booze and stuffing cold Pop-Tarts into my mouth.
  24. Wore my best fedora into a port-a-potty.
  25. Locked myself out of my apartment, and then set the door on fire to get back in.
  26. Attempted to create a perceptual energy machine and ruined my stereo.
  27. Opened a water slide park in Thailand.
  28. Opened a water slide park in New Orleans.
  29. Downloaded popular music without paying money, thereby helping cause artists like Usher to starve to death.
  30. Cloned 5 versions of myself to split the rent but they ended up forming a Christian rock band.
  31. Faked my own death to get out of work for a week but at the funeral my boss noticed I was alive when he saw me configuring my iPod in the casket.

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